Relaxed Women Are Dangerous to Society

Authentic femininity threatens secular powers, especially when expressed in community.

Home-based women have the freedom to apply our unique gifts in a variety of creative ways

I once read that if you want to help a developing country, give resources to the women, since women are more likely than men to prudently spend money to help their families and community. At the time, the statistics regarding health and educational outcomes convinced me that we women have caregiving inherently woven into our bones, and my more recent observations have confirmed that we naturally desire to steward our gifts to help others. Since I’ve had the opportunity to bow out of the career world and live a slower life, mostly with other women and children, I can see the unique ways that we highly capable women can choose to redirect our gifts towards advancing heart-centered directives instead of making money for someone else.

Now for some more statistics before we get to the heart of the matter. As of 2023, 67% of married-couple families with children have both parents working, meaning that only one in three families has a parent as primary caregiver for children.[1] And interestingly, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center article, about a third of marriages feature spouses making about the same amount of money. Yet, even in these ‘egalitarian marriages,’ women spend more time on caregiving and housework, while husbands enjoy more leisure time. We can probably just think about a dual income family to know that the wife is doing more of the school-lunch-making, drop-offs and pick-ups, and diaper changes; this is not exactly a newsflash. But here’s the kicker: in marriages where wives are the primary earners, contributing over 60% of the household income, or even the sole earners, where husbands do not contribute financially at all, we are still doing more of the housework.

What could explain this phenomenon? Could it be that we women care more about maintaining a relatively attractive, clean, and functioning home than men do? And men would rather spend more of their hours doing paid work as to be the breadwinner? As a recovering primary earner and now homemaker, I daresay we women do care more and also do a better job in the housework and caregiving realms. (As a sidenote, I suspect that the 47.2 weekly hours of leisure that nonworking husbands engage in is a symptom of inadvertent emasculation: see below).

Anyway, regardless of the latent or overt drivers of various financial arrangements, I believe one thing is clear; women who are simultaneously nurturing careers and children are likely to be overextended. I can attest that when I was working in venture capital while mothering two young children, I never felt that I had enough time or mental space to do either pursuit well. I also became acutely aware that in my job, my talents were being commodified to add net worth to individuals at the top (in exchange for the trappings of salary, benefits, professional development, status, and so on). Deep in my womb, I felt that it was wrong to offer my best energy to a job that would never love me back and to mother (and wife) from my reserves. My heart correctly longed for a simpler way, a better way, a culturally-maligned way of more traditional living. And fortunately, through a series of divine events, in late 2023, I was able to opt out of the career world and be financially taken care of by my husband so that I could care for our children.

Little did I know that setting the intention to care for my children would radiate into caring for my home, neighborhood, church, and broader community. A woman’s heart is funny like that; we try to nurture with precision but can’t stop ourselves from helping or inspiring others along the way. I think that’s just what happens when a woman’s soul is (at least partially) protected from the stresses and pressures of 2020s culture. We start relaxing. And relaxed women, especially when we build authentic relationships with other relaxed women, are dangerous to society.

We stop caring about the lures of status (i.e. career titles) and quit thinking that certain numbers on the screens of our bank accounts and 401k’s will make us feel safe. We can allow children’s rhythms to guide the days instead of hustling to daycare/school and work, and we mothers all know that our worst selves emerge in those rushes. In a relaxed state, we can share in our children’s wonder when they pick up a certain mundane rock instead of getting into their car seats. We stop driving around so much and have time to make appointments for ourselves, whether at the acupuncturist or yoga studio, and cook food at home instead of paying the takeout machine. Focusing on the health of our families and seeing the beauty of our backyards can naturally flow into growing vegetables and tending bees, contributing to healthier soil and plant life. And vitally, we can invest time into existing relationships and start building new ones. I’ve made some amazing friends simply by saying hi to other women at the playground, library, and hikes. Seated in our natural roles, actually knowing and delighting in our children (instead of seeing them as something else to manage), appreciated by our husbands, and buoyed by friendships, we question more and purchase less. More and more, we turn to Scripture for solace instead of Instagram, and we feel more confident speaking our ideas and resisting cultural norms that don’t quite feel right. Definitely dangerous to society.

And as we relaxed women grow to know and trust ourselves more, we start externally manifesting our gifts in service to things we care about instead of for a paycheck. I’ve loved watching some amazing women in my life leveraging their talents to:

• Expand farmers’ markets, inviting in local artisans and musicians

• Organize swaps for used children’s clothes, toys, and homeschool curricula

• Pray for elderly people, and then actually visit them and help them with yardwork and other chores

• Cook local food in bulk and create family dinner shares

• Collect Halloween costumes and organize events for local women’s and children’s shelters

• Watch each other’s children without any compensation or transactional expectations

• Bring nourishing food, ceremonies, and teas to postpartum women

• Volunteer in hospitals, schools, and camps

• Revitalize land for homeschool enrichment programs

Each of these ventures reveals what is important to its creator and helps other people in ways as unique as the helper herself. It’s a beautiful shift to be a part of. What would happen to the big industries that are disconnecting us if more women reclaimed their time and creative potential and birthed more heart-centered projects? I’d love to find out.